Drowned Flying Whales

Retiring at 60

2009-01-08T21:14:00.000-08:00

This is my 60th post. When people reach 60-65 they retire, I figured I would follow in the tradition.

Starting off this blog I had this gut instinct that I needed the reader to know i was smart, real smart. I also quickly began to explore vanity. It is only now that I see the role of vanity in my life as well as my constant need to be seen as intelligent and for that to be understood.

I thank this blog for everything and everyone who has read it and commented and talked to me about it and done things I asked them to do.

I hope something here has been of any use to anyone, especially the whale related stuff, which i always imagined people just skipped over.

I have stopped using this blog and want a new way, a more personal one as more and more posts are being written and then saved but never put up i feel it is time to use a new method of recording my thoughts.

a good friend once reminded me, never change what your doing unless the change is beneficial. Keeping a blog was beneficial. Closing a blog will be beneficial.

Love,
me

Scientists Begin to Decode Whale Speak

2008-11-29T20:54:00.001-08:00

November 27, 2008
Scientists Begin to Decode Whale Speak

Cetaceans are known to be among the most clever and intelligent of all mammals. They have brains that are roughly the same size as humans or larger, which are similarly or superiorly complex (although differently evolved in structure). This has led some marine biologists to speculate that whales, and other Cetaceans, could be as intelligent as humans, and may even have several unknown communicative abilities, that surpass our current understanding through sonar and other means.

Critics say that if cetaceans were as smart as us there’d be more evidence of it. But what type of evidence would suffice? The fact that Cetaceans are suffering from (rather than creating) the kind of environmental suicide that humans indulge in, is not necessarily proof of inferiority.

It is known that the prehistoric predecessors of Cetaceans were land animals who returned to the sea where there was relatively little fear of large predators and an abundant food supply. Dolphins and whales appear to have rich communicative powers among themselves and are very playful. It is also known that dolphins can use tools and teach their children how to use tools. Dolphins are one of the few animals other than humans known to mate for pleasure rather than strictly for reproduction. They form strong bonds with each other, which leads them to stay with their injured and sick. Dolphins also display protective behavior towards humans, by keeping them safe from sharks, for example.

Now Australian scientists studying humpback whales sounds say they have begun to decode the whale's mysterious communication system. They say they’ve already identified male “pick-up lines” as well as motherly warnings.

Scientists from the University of Queensland working on the Humpback Whale Acoustic Research Collaboration (HARC) project are trying to break the mysterious communication systems of whales. Whalesong is said to be audible to other whales halfway across the planet. But what do all their melodic squeaks, moans, grumbles and singing mean? The scientists have begun recording some of the whales’ extensive repertoire in an effort to answer that very question.

Recording whale sounds over a three-year period, scientists discovered at least 34 different types of whale calls, with data published in the Journal of the Acoustical Society of America.

"I was expecting to find maybe 10 different social vocalizations, but in actual fact found 34. It's just such a wide, varied repertoire," University of Queensland researcher Rebecca Dunlop told Reuters.

The researchers studied migrating east humpback whales, as they traveled up and down Australia's east coast, and recorded 660 sounds from 61 different groups. Dunlop says that some of the sounds recorded could have multiple meanings depending on how they are grouped, for example, but some sounds appeared to have one clear meaning, such as the “purr” sound from males ready to try their luck with an available female. High frequency “screams” were associated with disagreements. A “wop” sound was common when mothers were together with their young.

"The wop was probably one of the most common sounds I heard, probably signifying a mum calf contact call," said Dunlop.

Perhaps something like, “Junior, Junior! Get over here now!”

Dunlop says there are clear similarities with human interaction.

"Its quite fascinating that they're obviously marine mammals, they've been separated from terrestrial mammals for a long, long, long time, but yet still seem to be following the same basic communication system," she said.

The scientists are hoping that further research on the subject will reveal more of their mysterious “language” and what effects boats and man-induced sonar are having on migrating whales.

Posted by Rebecca Sato

2008-11-28T19:53:00.001-08:00

i havent wrote a story in awhile i should try my hand at it again

Time To Do Work: For Ryan and Myself

2008-11-04T13:26:00.000-08:00

im going to sound like a dick

i am going to embark on the writing of a text on introspection. this project began when i was recently asked by a friend on the ins and outs of introspection and found my explanation to be of a muddled variety. In an attempt to do three acts of good: remedy my muddling, help my friend ryan and others who read my work with their own personal adventure and finally help myself fully understand a tool so eagerly used for benefit, i shall write this text.

no more dicking around.

im going to write about

the goals of the introspecter

introspection and:
honesty
vanity
doubt

and discovery through
burst of insight
communication
listening

I miss home

2008-10-21T23:21:00.000-07:00

im in brookyn, nyc and i miss grinnell, iowa. iowa has taught me a lot about life actually. its more focused on the process and not as goal orientated although it has a farmers mentality about results and work ethic. people seem to view things as worthy on their own merit rather than annoying obstacles and wastes of time keeping us from really living. i will admit it looks quite boring.

50th post

2008-10-04T08:04:00.000-07:00

i feel aiight

i feel terrible

2008-09-29T01:31:00.001-07:00

this sucks.

to whoever,

2008-09-22T00:24:00.000-07:00

Hey let me know whats up, how you're feeling, whatever.

ben

(baronowicz@gmail.com)

Im Happy. Now what?

2008-09-18T18:50:00.000-07:00

Theres a certain enjoyment that stems from being miserable. Its the process of trying to gain happiness. The goal itself is intrensically less important than the process. I am now happy and yet there is nothing to battle. I dont feel as if i need to do battle with my self or the powers at be or anyone because i am done. im not sure what im suppose to do right now. today i debated whether or not i felt like thinking. i couldnt stick to it so i decided i didnt want to. i havent thought in a real long while and i dont know if i feel as smart as i use to . i feel like my potential has been maxed out and stuck with what i got in the form of reason. am i miserable from being happy? i feel like ive lost a large part of myself which seems unhealthy. i cant be happy all the time its making me miserable. im done.

For Ryan

2008-09-07T03:14:00.000-07:00

I spend nearly all of my free time making up my loss of privacy since getting to college and am usually exhausted with no desire to blog or think. Its 5am i just came back from a party and am/was a little tipsy and have a headache.

despite being a freshman i chill with a lot of second years and a few seniors although i do know most first years and we are cool.
i am taking 4 classes: literary analysis, into to philosophy, intro to psychology and introspection. they are all good to amazing.
the food here is pretty good.
ive been vegitarian since getting here. i think i spelled that wrong but fuck it. it hasnt been hard i dont even think about it.
ive had difficulty figuring out who would make a good friend and who would make a good story and am working on fixing that.
i feel censored here because of the lack of foul language and anger which i a use to at home.
i cant even judge people for being homophobic because "its there belief".
i havent been thinking a whle lot about life which has made it easier

so what big topic am i going to tackle today?

the ethics of posting a blog are tricky. you are putting information in a public place and explicitly telling people to read it. you are responsible for how people perceive you because of your writing, what people take away from the reading and the usefulness of thats person's time/the process of reading your blog. writing incmprhendable thoght wastes others time and has no meaning or benificial aspect to it, poor influence is bad. im exhausted goodnight

2008-08-26T14:26:00.000-07:00

I really love Grinnell. It is a near utopian society. anyway.

I'm reading "Going Sane" by Adam Phillips that attempts to define sanity in a good humored "properly profound" way. I recommend it. I havent really been thinking very much being so busy and tired but Im happy for this. I dont know. i had something to say but forgot what it was. maybe ill edit this later

Day before Grinnell/ Consciousness

2008-08-21T18:26:00.000-07:00

I've been reading about consciousness a little recently from the standpoint of some philosophers, psychologists and neuroscientists. they all more or less ask the same questions. does consciousness exist? how did it come to exist? is it important? what does it do? Here are the answers i found the most satisfying mixed with my views.

Consciousness exists. Freud said "What is meant by 'conscious', we need not discuss; it is beyond all doubt." From "mental philosophers" stand point consciousness is the essence of a person. While "biological philosopher" believe the human body to be the essence of the person. The difference is one of what makes us us. Mentals would answer our mind. Take my brain or soul out of my body and put it in yours and i am still ben. Bios would argue the body is what makes us human. Its easy to argue both make us human, or one or the other. I am a monist though and these answers are dualist in nature. Freud was often attacked for his attempt to generalize things to one base principle. I also believe though that their is a singular base nature that all stems from which has no exceptions. This is somewhat narrow minded perhaps after all exceptions are 70 percent of the earth (water is the only substance that is denser in liquid form that in solid). I think it is a good goal to work for as long as it doesnt blind you from accepting a truth of duality or plurality. SO back on task. Conscious was created by evolution as ‘‘an organ added, for the sake of steering a nervous system grown. too complex to regulate itself’’ (James, 1879) I like that idea because it works with the whole idea of oneness. As a organ working with the body, consciousness is no longer a second party or even bridge connecting the abstract and material worlds but is both complete worlds in one manifestation. Of course consciousness is important its a part of our body, individuality and all that jazz. What does it do? Well everything we have accomplished as a race and individual.

I wonder does consciousness have a limit. A heart can not pump past a certain speed, a muscle can not grow past a certain strength. is consciousness debilitate by something innately human. such as our imperfect logic system. If consciousness has a limit is that the terminal of potential perfection, regardless of our current definitions of perfection? If not limited but only prohibited, what can free it and what not? if in is infinite what does that mean. i fail to even understand that concept.

tomorrow i go to college.

ben

I miss therapy

2008-08-17T22:33:00.000-07:00

therapy ended three weeks ago now. it helped a lot honestly. anyone who argues against therapy i think is dead wrong, especially having been one of those people. just the chance to vent, investigate, meditate is always nice. i dont know why but whenever i mention dreams ive had, in real life, i start crying really violently. theres something so awe inspiring about the beauty of dreams.

i keep thinking back to when i made my therapist cry. it was the first time i ever got any feedback from her and it was perhaps the most honest and raw, yet most useless to me. I dont know why a flying whale can continue to haunt me for three years. I dont know why a shark dog can force me to tears at moments of no particular sadness. I dont know why they are ocean themed. Or i do. i understand the whale to be me learning to fast, unsuccessfully adopting to life, having intelligence fail me. i understand the shark dog dying to be a girl leaving for college. i understand the ocean and the city and the islands and the cars and everything. i dont understand their motor though. some people are shame energized or guilt, anger, fear. whats my engine? my basest trait. i think maybe vanity im not totally sure anymore.

im really depressed or something. I dont know. ive been really happy recently and have a lot to look foward too. i think depressed is the wrong word and am crossing it out. i am really sensitive right now. i have always been but this is an extreme moment. heightening sensitivity really hurts actually but its sort of beautiful i guess in how in depth you feel everything. its like tripping acid i guess, not that ive ever tripped acid.

Conservation: Humpback whales make a comeback

2008-08-16T14:35:00.000-07:00

The Guardian, Tuesday August 12 2008

The humpback whale has moved from vulnerable to least concern, according to the IUCN Red List, meaning it is at low risk of extinction. Photograph: Jose Jacome/EPA

Humpback whales are making a comeback more than 40 years after a ban on commercial hunting was brought in to save them from extinction.

Marine biologists estimate that the number of humpbacks worldwide may have grown to more than 40,000 adults and about 15,000 juveniles, following the ban that began in the 1960s. The International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) has revised its classification of the whales as "vulnerable" to "of least concern" on its latest annual list of endangered animals.

The southern right whale population has also begun to recover - the number of these is believed to have doubled from 7,500 in 1997.

Randall Reeves of the IUCN said: "This is a great conservation success and shows what needs to be done to ensure these ocean giants survive."

The success of these two species, however, contrasts with a worsening trend for other cetaceans, including whales, dolphins and porpoises, of which 10% are classified as endangered or critically endangered. Furthermore, the picture is unclear for more than half of the world's 44 cetacean species, because too little is known about their populations.

Smaller coastal and fresh water species, including the vaquita porpoise, finless porpoise, South American river dolphin and Irrawaddy dolphin, are increasingly at risk of extinction.

· This article was amended on Thursday August 14 2008. In a piece above we referred to "a worsening trend for other cetaceans, including whales, dolphins, sharks and porpoises". Sharks ought not to be in this company: they are fish. This has been corrected.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2008/aug/12/conservation.wildlife

I loved you the moment I met you.

2008-08-15T13:11:00.001-07:00

Dreams that end when I'm done having them are unfouritanitly rare do to alarm clocks and the such. Last night I had a dream that ended with me saying, "I loved you the moment I met you" to a shark dog, not to be confused with a dog shark, during its funeral after being killed by a great white shark who bit its toenail off. Foreshadowingly (i guess) the shark dog kept biting my foot and making me wrestle with it. The dream was inspired by the Truman Show a little bit and was located on an island in the hamptons, and by my days events and included me calling my friends to tell them i had to cancel my plans. None of that is really super important i guess, except maybe the hamptons part. I dont want to get into all that though. I just thought that to wake up to "I loved you the moment I met you" was really nice and to know the sort of real life explanation to this dream is also nice and made me happy because it let me be happy. Meh I dont wanna talk about it i just realized. I'm done.

GOD EXISTS!!!

2008-08-08T15:45:00.000-07:00

I am aware that more and more of my posts are making less and less sense. I dont know what to say except im sorry im not putting more time into this blog and all your getting is a ranting ramble of thought. I hope you can extract the parts that do make sense and do whatever the fuck people do with stuff.

Been living with the "upper class" its weird for me. To be with a family who can afford to worry about politics and the world. My family is too depressed and poor to feel as if they had any power in the world and this leads them to zone out to it. I think the difference is this family, who is from poor and humble beginnings, didnt get lazy. they took care of shit and know they have less to do. my family, love and all, got lazy and now has more work because of their flaws. Unfournitaitly it is these very flaws that will keep them unhappy forever. Im incredibly lucky. right now all my laziness has done is hand in some paperwork late. i still have time to end this bullshit and just live a good life.

the difference between me and my upperclass buddy is his todo ends list ends with

Did you... ?
do ten pushups
thirty crunches
an sat problem
clean a little
wash a dish

and mine is just huge general things that need getting done.

how beautiful is that list? small things that anyone can do at anytime. Just one dish. A simple discipline excercise. Just do one and get it out of the way for whenever you do do the dishes. just ten pushups, sure you wont get a chiseled body but its a start, a step. its incredibly beautiful, practicing success.

today was really weird. saying goodbye as people go off to college. not sure what to say really. good luck, have fun, stay safe? i want to tell her thank you for being my friend, for dealing with me and taking care of me and all that jazz. im to tired to think anymore. Olympics are on.

The Release of Pain and Consumption of Emotion

2008-08-06T19:58:00.000-07:00

I want to do this post a little proof like, but not really? bare with me?

Human beings are addicts.

An addiction is a feeling of pain or withdrawal that pressures the human to either continue living with the pain, ignore the pain, or appease the pain.

To live with the pain is masochistic, unenjoyable and uncommon.
To ignore the pain is honored as heroic strength. For instance in sports it is the greatest traits of an athlete to find the will to play despite exhaustion.
To appease the pain is the most common. Rewards as simple as television will suffice here. By zoning out to television, one is no longer thinking about work, expected to do work, or in an environment where good work can be accomplished.

Often times we view our individual reward systems and techniques as the gaining of something, but it is really the contrary. Rewards allow us to release the pain. We can release the mental and emotional strains of stress and responsibility by altering your attention to something of no importance or "zoning out" and the physical strain on our bodies by lying down comfortably. We are releasing the pain of withdrawal, the intense desire to be rewarded and feel the relaxing sensations of zoning out and lying down.
While television will not kill you quite the same way heroin will, it works in a similar way (in this example, television is not pure evil in every example).

According to buddhism or something their are four types of laziness:
a) Not being able to do something you want to do and can do
B) addiction
c) doubt (not skepticism but disheartenment)
d)business

The first seems clear. I need to do laundry. UGH ILL DO IT LATER I CANT. lazy. By not doing the laundry my quality of life is lowered, the amount of laundry i will need to do when i do get to it will be increased making my load (no pun intended, fuck my life sometimes) heavier. Laziness would seem to make your life easier by its very nature but actually complicates and exaserpates (which may not be a word?).

As Ethan Nichtern jokingly admits you wouldn't go up to a heroin addict and call them lazy, but in this positive portrayal of mankind's inner strength even an addict has the power to change and is only not using that power out of laziness.

My father is really the perfect example of a man with a good heart whose life hasn't been perfect and has awfulized (a real term ahaha) the bad parts and even the good to the point that he has lost all "faith" in the system and himself. The key to ending my father's form of laziness is to see in others, especially mentors the traits you desire and then humanize them (the mentors). It is not so much that Lance Armstrong got up everyday saying LETS GO EXCERCISE!! but that the returning temptations of sleeping late did not deter him. maybe you cant say to yourself, I WILL WIN A TRIATHELEON, but you can say I can wake up and excerise because clearly the temptation of sleep is not omnipotent.

Business is a problem of prioritizing. It is of analyzing that which is not necessary and prioritizing them and not allowing television a low priority, low rewarding, easy achieved reward take the time that should be taken by something truly rewarding.

DISCLAIMER; It is important to note the difference between laziness and being tired. After eating a four course meal there is nothing wrong with watching some cartoons and digesting. After a long hard day at work sleep is perhaps better for you then reading for 5 hours.

So what to do? im lazy, maybe you are too. wells here some buddha people's plan:

practice discipline by understanding that moment of laziness. really understanding how it feels, what it does and all that good stuff. Then get up and go do the opposite. sit and deeply feel and analyze that moment of working. one day you will understand that all moments of laziness and really all in general are temporary and short lived in the general scheme of things. it will become more and more obvious that laziness doesnt actually exist and no time should be wasted on it. You will forever be faced by it as it is part if life but just as an exsmoker can say no to cigerettes for the rest of their lives you can turn down laziness. I should be done here but im not ahah. this post feels long... So are any emotions real? They are all temporal and short lived. There is no difference between one emotion and another except the constructiveness of its nature. So yes happiness is construct to a happy life but does that make it anymore real than sluggishness? What i you could not only "cut through" laziness do to its nonexistance but all emotions as all emotions work to convince you that not only this moment but your whole life has felt like this. (you arent just angry at him right now, youve always been angry at him.). Enlightenment is often described as the cutting off of ones self from all material and wordly things. would that include emotions? i think it does include emotions. yet if i stop feeling emotions ill be rejecting a naturally human trait and my humanity something i wish to hold onto at this moment although i often seem to be rejecting my membership to humanity. The idea of releasing the pain of emotions forever, seems too much? ill finish this later maybe

Disclaimer: Not Edited, Never Will Be. Read it anyway?

2008-08-04T19:49:00.000-07:00

No matter how many times i try to convince myself that coincidences are just that, coincidences, i feel as if i am ignoring a blaring truth.

First I'll say coincidences or deja vu are only caused by a raised level awareness caused by things (for a lack of a good all encompassing word) being moved into the front of your subconscious. Banana. BANANA. BANANA! now if you eat a banana, see a banana, a monkey or anything yellow, hear a gwen stefani song, you will immeaditly say BANANA! THIS IS A SIGN FROM GOD THAT HE EXISTS!!!

Now I'll say why if someone mentions bananas to me tomorrow i will freak out. How the fuck often do i think about bananas or are they topic of conversations that they could appear back to back like that. At the risk of sounding schizophrenic, are these signs of some sort of system? I dont so much mean God as much as a stream of consciousness that is connecting us all. The AVERAGE distance between any two people in our 6+ billion people planet is 6.6 people. Imagine consciousness as a stream linking us all bringing things to the forefront of our minds, making us make connections and so on and so forth. Imagine one day if everything was brought to the forefront of our mind, how aware we would all be, how observerant, how realistic (?).

Leigh Stein saw The Wackness, a movie, before the movie the screen has questions about pop culture. One was about Ayn Rand, the author of Fountainhead. Leigh brought up Ayn Rand in a conversation with me the next day having forgot the question. I went to see that movie and saw that very same Ayn Rand question. I sat and wondered how it was possible that Ayn Rand, someone whose name i had always read as amy reed because i never bothered to really pay attention, be shown to me twice. This was a sign. My dad told me you have to stop thinking about coincidences so i did. Earlier that day Leigh and i had gone to a museum in which famous women were honored by the creation of decorative plates, most of which had a large vagina in the middle, flowers and wings on them. In the movie a plate hangs on a woman's wall that is eerily similar to the plates at the museum as it had a vagina-like shape in the middle and wings that formed a heart. How was it possible that i could have seen these plates in two places on the same day if i had never seen anything like them even once in two decades?

6.6 people. You and the world.

0 You 1 2 3 4 5 6 World 7.

My brain flashes what you put in it. I am the only one of my friends to notice that plate and understand its meaning (hopefully i understood it). I am the only one of them to go to the museum. Its almost cliche but familiarity and knowledge allowed me to see that which would have been otherwise unacknowledged. It was there, everything is here we just need to know what to look for. We are all connected, we are all helping each other notice more, we have created the system even if we are unaware of it.

i should edit this but i cant. i feel like it should just be i dont know. sorry my last post was mostly illogical i understand it and someone else does and thats all i care about for it.

(citation: http://current.com/items/89163176_study_confirms_six_degrees_of_separation)

December feels a long ass time ago

2008-08-03T19:45:00.000-07:00

life is good when you extract the things you are not sarcastic about and dwell on them. i think tao has cornered the market on sarcasm and its not one of my interests really but i think a lot of things I do I do sarcastically, knowing and accepting the stupidity and meaninglessness of my action and doing it anyway as if they were important. It is not the things in my life that i havent analyzed and broken down to the point of sarcastic enjoyment that are worth dwelling on, but the things that after analyzing continue to matter to you in a real and emotional level. I am happy to be able to pull out with tweezers small parts of my life and say they were beautiful and perfect. im obsessed with perfection and have problems with self doubt, the two causes of low frustration tolerance. how do you retrain your brain? how do you find the strength to overcome a lack of willpower? december feels like a life time ago. im really happy right now.

posting

2008-07-26T19:28:00.000-07:00

i keep posting and then saving them rather than publish them. i owe someone an apology again. i spend alot of time apologizing on this blog it seems. ive been pretty happy actually and therapy has finally come through for me and helped me understand my flaw, a lack of a work ethic and low frustration tolerance. nothing makes me happier than saying that. i am understanding it and working on accepting it and then will change it. "baby steps baby steps". i love life right now as i write this post.

the girl who i have deep confusing feelings for doesnt like me and has made it crystal clear their is nothing in our near future other than friendship. being around her drives me crazy . i get stir crazy having to bottle up all my emotions and act like im totally content being her friend. i then go home wanting physical (not necessarily sexually) and emotional satisfaction from someone else. its a great feeling. a few months ago that would lead me to feeling a hole in my chest expand and another breakdown in front of my mirror as i question which path to choose. Now i feel that this emotional sensitivity caused by unrequited love is a amazing and beautiful thing. its the dopeness of life not the wackness. its funny how that movie came just before i realized that. something like that.

happiness feels like inner calmness with outer hyperactivity.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7519263.stm

2008-07-22T17:37:00.001-07:00

New White Whale Spotted

By Alison Feeney-Hart
BBC News, Sydney

Migaloo has become something of a celebrity
A new white humpback has been sighted off Byron Bay on the east coast of Australia.
The newcomer, which was filmed by a television news helicopter, has excited marine scientists who think it may be related to Migaloo - to date, the only known all-white humpback whale.
Migaloo is somewhat of a celebrity down under. Why? "Because as far as we know, he is globally unique," said Professor Peter Harrison from the Whale Research Centre, Southern Cross University.
It now seems that Migaloo, (whose Aboriginal name means "white fellow") might have competition.
Although predominantly white, the new whale does have some black markings near its head and tail. So who is the newcomer?
A white calf was spotted with a normal humpback mother in Byron Bay two years ago. Experts say the new whale could be the offspring of Migaloo but further tests need to be carried out.
A record number of humpbacks have been spotted off the Australian coast this year on their annual migration north to their breeding grounds.
One thing scientists do agree on is that this second white whale has never been seen in these waters before.

30th post

2008-07-19T22:47:00.001-07:00

I dont know what to say. Everything I say is either oversimplified or simple. Any attempt at truth leads to a general idea on morality or life that has already been iterated and reiterated. I guess all I can say is I'm not alone? This is the Dalai Lama on President Bush.

This is from: ( you will find more links there if interested) http://current.com/items/89118525_dalai_lama_bush_has_lack_of_understanding_of_reality

"The Dalai Lama, in a lecture in Philadelphia yesterday, told a group of about 2,000,

Things are not black and white. Things are relative. Things are interdependent. When we look at a situation we have to consider all the factors.

Many world disasters, including war, including the Iraq war, are due to lack of this holistic nature (looking at all the factors). Like Saddam Hussein -- ending things for him. Reality is not that simple.

Of course, I have great respect for, in fact, I love President Bush, because he is very frank, very straightforward. His intentions are good, but some of his policy in spite of his sincere motivation and right goal, and some of his method becomes unrealistic because of lack of understanding about reality.

He went on to explain,

"You cannot look in one direction. In order to see reality, (you) have to see in three or four or seven dimensions" and that this applies in the economical field, political field and international relations."

The Philadelphia talk was sponsored by the Mongolian Kalmyk Buddhist order, which his holiness, the Dalai Lama, said was very close, teachings-wise, to Tibetan Buddhism and to the challenge of maintaining its culture, having left its homeland.

The main message the Dalai Lama presented was the idea of aiming for world peace through inner and outer disarmament. He explained that to reach a point where nations would outwardly disarm, people must first inwardly disarm, by becoming compassionate, not just with friends, but with all people, including those perceived as enemies.

About 2000 people attended the event at the Kimmel center. Upon finishing his talk, he was presented with a large birthday cake which was shared with all the attendees-- a Dalai Lama cake."

According to the Dalai Lama, life is complex and should be viewed as such when making decisions and living life. He loves Bush, as he loves all of mankind, and only feels that Bush's character flaw is his outlook on life. Therefore Bush is no different than any man whose outlook is imperfect for any reason. Therefore you, me and everyone else is just like President Bush according to the Dalai Lama, except maybe a very small few like the Dalai Lama (? not sure of his exact views).

These views are in agreement with some of my beliefs such as the universalness of flaws, the non-existence of individuality. This boils down to the belief in a Oneness which can be seen (thanks wiki) in Hinduisim, Islam, Christianity and many others. Did anyone really need the Dalai Lama to tell us Bush wasn't an enlightened figure? Did the Dalai Lama tells us anything we haven't already heard or known? Did he oversimplify the problem? Or is the problem really that simple? Is the key to life a simple sentence? I am oversimplifing. If the key to life is to view it at every dimension, that is indeed a complex task, but not an unheard of one. My point is. We already know everything. Life has become understood. We have grown, we have altered. Depression is a tool to keep us from acting. To keep us from failing. To keep us from learning. To shield us. Depression is a loving mother who fears her son will fail. It is time we accept that we know. Understand what we know. and use our understanding and acceptance of what life is to live it.

intelligence may not be the proper tool. Intelligence is only good in the abstract world of thoughts and consciousness. Something else perhaps emotions must take over in the material objective world. Love Life dont Analyze it. This is against all of my beliefs. I want to delete this post, i cant reread it. i hope its wrong because it makes me feel sick. People only learn from the objective experience. Abstract thought is useless in the world we live in and only leads to suffering and hindering.

im not saying i believe a world of this i just felt it should be expressed atleast once.

sirenfest was ok.

Sometimes when you have a problem you should just write it down and as you write the answer will be revealed

2008-07-09T19:17:00.001-07:00

Ill start by describing one of my campers. He has lost a chain, his bag and swim trunks multiple times in the span of 5 days. He wanders without my permission despite me telling him not to on countless occasions and him saying ok. He is contantaly asking me why we are doing one thing or another and not something else and will bother you with the same question despite you having told him the answer 100s of times. He is quiet when not annoying, not very bright, unathletic, 9-10 years old, black, sorta goofy looking. He doesnt mesh well with the rowdy, inner city, selfish, And 1 loving, homophobic, and prideful group that i couch. Today he finally seemed to understand me when i told him not to wander and asked me before leaving (in an absent minded way though and without waiting for a response). I then caught him leaving without asking me and followed him. He went in between two door ways and slumped against the wall. I realized i was taking the wrong approach by lecturing him and asked him why he wandered. he said he didnt like camp because it was boring and kids were mean to him for no reason (which is not targeted their just mean to each other). I told him i thought it was a testament to his character that he disliked this terribly unhealthy environment. i then explained what that meant, actually taught him a few good words. I told him i would talk to his mom about it so that maybe he wouldnt have to come anymore. This is all fine. The problem lies here. He lost his bag And then replaced it with someone else's bag. What bothers me is it was a sort of unintentional theft. Where he took the bag because he needed one, not because he wanted to take someone else's bag. The idea that this bag was not his but someone else's who would also want a bag as well as the stuff in the bag, did not even cross his mind. It is similar to him wandering. He does not mean to upset me and make my job 100 times harder. Rather he just feels like walking and leaving so he does with no concern for how it affects other people. Yet when you talk to him, you realize he is a very compassionate kid who doesnt want to do you any wrong.

I wanted to call his mom and tell her this concern of mine but he is worried she will beat him. This kid doest deserve a beating. He needs to be given books and have educations importance preached to him.

I said my piece today and I'm done

2008-07-05T20:14:00.000-07:00

dear one person in particular and anyone else bored or interested,

I think the greatest difficulty when attempting to discover the truth is overcoming the obstacles we create. By we I mean society, fear, and consciousness (as all three are related, they are more like a three headed dragon than three individual ones).

Racism for instance while based in irrational fear, is perhaps always subconsciously activated. We may be "over" racism but its traces may forever exist in the shaping of our minds. just expand racism to everything and anything that ever left any imprint on your mind most of which you do not actively recall and you can see the difficulty of attempting to completely understand anything you do as an individual.

Im going go on a tangent now that is related (somewhat).

vanity is a lie that someone is better than they actually are at that time. perhaps it foresees potential or just exaggerates it, either way it creates trust. By lying to yourself about your own talents, intelligence, capabilities, etc, you allow yourself to trust in them more. This creates delusional based self-confidence. Vanity allows me to trust my thoughts and consciousness as logical and worth having. Vanity can allow someone to believe them to be more complex or in control than they really are.

Another "related" tangent/ a conclusion

While i doubt that in our lifetime we can remove all walls and obstacles and truly understand all angles of any truth, i do believe it to be a potential possibility. But rather than talk about "potential possibilities" ill talk about today. ill pretend you have control over yourself and are responsible for all your actions and that i matter and say: overcome your trust issues with yourself. As the only real thing in your life is your relationship with yourself make sure that it is one which you can trust. if its a trust based in vanity, fight to overcome it and humble yourself; if its a trust in your own failure, fight to overcome it and motivate yourself, whatever it is fight it. You dont have to win even, just resist actively. that doesnt sound to bad does it?

having vain trust/lack of self-trust ruins your ability to see yourself from a third person perspective void of emotional responsibility and investment and your ability to invest yourself in others in any healthy form is crippled.

Realize why trust is an issue for you. understand it. accept it. overcome it.

With great and friendly concern in an overall way,

ben.

New Job

2008-07-01T15:25:00.000-07:00

I want to tell someone i love you who wouldnt expect it. who i wouldnt mean it to in the sense of "i know you well" or " i want our bodies to intertwine in love and passion". its just an urge to say thank you to someone in an "intense" way.

i worked at a new basketball camp today. i work with 30 4-10 year old black inner city kids. it started off with them looking me up and down and thinking "this white boy is goin teach me basketball?" some kids were really nice and just good kids, one is a trouble making foul mouth 7 year old. the ten year olds gave me almost no respect so i started by beating them one on one and then 1-all. i think they got the point that im better than them (i heard i could beat him about 15 times today). Hopefully tomorrow is fun and easier. The highlight was them staring at me during lunch as i ate the tuna wrap and coleslaw (provided by the gym). neither of which was half bad. keep in mind these kids come from ok families who live in the poorer (not est) neighborhoods of brooklyn

"how can you eat that garbage?"
"i live on condensed soup and hotdogs...i live in Canarsie."

the response was a facial expression of both disgust and respect.

moving on i guess.

This blog is all about me and people I know. I want someone to write an entry on my blog about someone they know who i dont know like your friend or grandma. if anyone wants to take me up on this just email me whatever it is you write.

baronowicz@gmail.com

Second Apology?

2008-06-24T20:24:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should apologize to all my loyal die hard fans for not blogging in awhile or maybe the disappointment I cause by doing so (or not doing so?) is an art project for all to savor in awe.

im not writing because a lot of really personal thoughts have been coming up that involve other people and i dont feel its my place to "publish" any one other than myself.

please continue to enjoy the art show of silence.

love and sorry

ben

A Letter to a teacher who failed me but cared about me

2008-06-19T12:07:00.000-07:00

Someone said (I honestly forgot) that fear and consciousness exist within each other. I wonder how their relationship works. Is it one comes from the other? They co-exist? They are one in the same? It is premature to give any sort of answer, but I want one by the end of this week.

Here is a letter i wrote as an apology for failing a class of a teacher who thought i was special.

An Explanation Not An Excuse

This is an explanation as well as an apology and not an excuse for my actions.

I have been a disgusting coward. I allowed myself to be overwhelmed and bailed out on multiple occasions this year. I misused your trust and belief in me; your time, ears and energy.

I asked you once ‘why am I so scared of you?’ I will attempt to answer that question.

1. You are smarter and more experienced than me.
2. You believe in me and you needed me to prove it.

After every discussion, I walked away realizing how amazing of a person you are. I made promises I wanted to keep. Never once did I walk away thinking this work would never be accomplished. Not one session with my therapist didn’t involve my inability to do work. I made a promise I could never have kept. I am unable to force myself to work. I lied about the amount of work I had done because I always believed it would be done, eventually.

What did I do?

A lot of my life has been a struggle between escaping consciousness and obsessing over it. At home I sit and think for hours. Any attempt at work last for mere seconds before I relapse into thought. Countless times I would sit, open up research and then become fidgety. The entire time I would argue with myself, down playing the importance of the work, you and Grinnell. I defeated any attempt at work by thinking. Eventually my brain grew frazzled and for weeks I couldn’t even think. I played so much basketball those weeks that I can no longer jump because I ruined both of my knees. I grew dependent on basketball to feel normal. I continued to play even when my body was in so much pain playing I couldn’t even enjoy it. Now I can barely stand and cannot jump. It was not just me having my priorities wrong, I am obsessed with thinking and was obsessed with basketball.

Why am I scared of you?

You gave me no reason to hate or dislike you. I could not justify disappointing you. You were the best teacher I ever had in school, showed me the most concern for my problems, and gave me the best advice. I would dread coming to see you. I am still terrified of you. You expect something from me beyond two projects or AP grades. You are the only person to ever tell me something beyond the trivial or obvious. Perhaps this is a vain fear. Perhaps I fear reliance on other’s for help when I have learned only I can help myself. Or perhaps this is the fear of taking responsibility. I dread shaking your hand on graduation day because I know I failed you. I know I could have done the work. I know this all happened because I am weak. I am scared of you because I am weak. Seeing you reminds me of my own weakness and not of your care.

How I am overcoming my weakness.

I don’t know what is possible. I can’t promise that one day I will be more influential than Che or Marx. I don’t know if I will save anyone or anything. I’m lonely and depressed. I care for people who don’t care about me and hurt those who care about me. I feel out of control most of the time. I’m obsessive and compulsive. I write a lot about life and consciousness and introspection. I am vain and overly optimistic. I am also young and open. I don’t know what I’m doing or what I will do. I hope I do something amazing. I think I can. I think I’m a genius. I think I’m a good heart and a compassionate person. I think I’m a mess because of these qualities. I say this with the same conviction I say ‘I’m going to work today’ and nothing terrifies me more.

I’m sorry for disappointing you,
Ben Aronowicz

Beseech Ben or Ask Aronowicz?

2008-06-18T18:47:00.000-07:00

For a limited time only I will be taking any questions and answering them for you. FOR FREEEE.

2008-06-15T15:28:00.001-07:00

Im currently dancing in boxers and a pokemon tshirt to Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons' Lets Hang on.

Why? Why you ask?

Parce que, Je finished my essay.

Im lousy and french. Oh man im so happy right now. I havent blogged inawhile. I felt numb for a really long time. Now i feel great like a corny joke. I just made a pitcher of tea and am cracked up on caffine. ive also eaten dozen chocalte bars.

This essay was on Woolf's a Room of One's Own. A must read and a short read. My whole class hated it but thats ok my whole class is stupid. or maybe im a genius and their average? ahahahahah im in a good mood. im going to use adverbs like a fool, i said menecingly.

Good writers aren't suppose to use adverbs.

Why? Why YOU ASK?

ok ok jeez. Well im not sure. im not a good writer and am not about to research why that rule exists.

WHY DID YOU EVEN BRING THIS UP YOU ANNOYING PUNK?

because using an adverb is like being an individual.

HUH? (that was for hattie)

an adverb limits thats why theyre bad. at anyone moment we are all feeling thousands of emotions. some we dont even have words maybe and most we wont aknowledge or remmeber feeling. So I'll set the scene. We are young siblings. We live in the same house. We are home alone. You are screaming "BEN!! IM HUNGRY' (im the older one). I pop out of the closet. 'BOO!', i say scarily. Was my voice really only scary? Was fear the only emotion i wanted you to experience? was frieght the only intonation in my voice? ofcourse not. the adverb has 1 dimensionalized a three dimensional event and by doing so it has ignored the complex bond of two siblings. Take out the adverb and the story leaves the reader to draw upon previous experiences and understand to connect with the work to connect with the characters to decided what was being felt and what was suppose to be felt.

Fuck this post. I hate everyone. people are full of crap.

i gave my dad a 45 minute long lecture on his vanity. the basic gist was only a total asshole could think they could foresee the future so well that they already know they will fail. it then went to the tragic nature of people and the nature of fear and consciousness. he wont listen. my dad is introspective and smart but he is also broken and comfortable. i always knew people could be dumb or smart and not introspective but today i learn that people can also be introspective and dumb what a fucking waste. fuck. what am i even doing anymore?

I dont want to be like Che with my face all over the world and my beliefs scattered. i want to be like Adam Smith.

2008-06-12T19:26:00.000-07:00

Today we all dressed up as ridiculous athletes. My friend, a muscular black kid wore a yellow penny, rainbow suspenders and a blue, sleeveless underarmor shirt with red short shorts, one white with purple stripes tube sock and addidas. My other friend a small pale hipster looking girl wore my red Jordan jersey from when I was 7 and red short shorts with bone socks and pink chucks. I wore a maize yellow with green trim super tight baseball jersey with my name on the back (Ben) and the number 10 and the name of an old summer league on the front, black short shorts, green with white stripes tube socks, white with greens stripes addidas and a green headband. I think our three outfits were the best but there were a few others worth mentioning. I supplied the key parts of these three outfits and may therefore by bias, but we were the best. We played football, soccer, frisbee and volleyball. It was good times.

I have had so much school work that I haven't gotten to read all week and I missed Tao Lin's reading. I really hate my school. If my school was a living entity it would vote for McCain.

My therapist isn't helping me anymore. The last two sessions were pointless. The one before those was really important though so I don't know if I should keep it going or not. I'll talk to her and see what she says. Keep an open mind, don't self defeat.

I can't think of anything to write today so I'll spare ya the reading. Instead go to your Itunes and go to podcast search Savage Love or Dan Savage and listen to one of them. warning explicit?

A Girl On The Fridge

2008-06-11T18:58:00.000-07:00

Someone described me as curious, curious: arousing or exciting speculation, interest, or attention through being inexplicable or highly unusual; odd; strange.

There is a large spider on my wall. Im not being poetic. There really is. I wont kill it though.

This is a poem I wrote. It took me 3 minutes. I wrote it for my friend. I feel awkward putting this on the internet.

Girl On The Fridge

A girl responded 'hey you' to my hello allowing me to imagine

Her head resting on my lap

Staring up at me

Fidgeting because she thought the power allocation was off

She stands on a chair

No, a table

Not yet,

The fridge.

'Use a different extended metaphor to explain life to me.'

'Uhm, ok, life is like a faucet dripping,

Eventually erosion eats away at everything

Leaving us with two choices: either

Wrap ourselves in non-erodable shells or

Turn the faucet off.'

'Put your pants on.'

'Why?'

'I think they sell those shells at Target.'

There is an ant on my table. I wanted to smush it because it bothers me. I thought about people on the train who are really close to me (physically). They make me uncomfortable, would I smush them if I could. I didn't smush the ant. The spider hasn't moved yet.

Leigh Wont Be Mad But Tao May

2008-06-10T19:13:00.000-07:00

The Phoenix Poetry Reading was a success. I was really nervous and had to pee but was also thirsty. I read the AOL poem in a normal voice and not in a Tao Lin-esque one. Everyone laughed, it kind of upset me because that poem makes me really upset and their laughter made me feel lonely. I should have read it in a Tao Lin-esque voice. The Oregon Trail poem brought so much laughter that i had to frequently pause in order to let everyone calm down. Then I read the President's speech in EEE. It felt really long. People laughed at I KILL YOU and FUCK YOU, but otherwise were really quiet and hopefully listening. A few kids asked me what the names of Tao Lin's book and what that other guy's names was. I only told a few of them that Leigh (pronounced Lee) was a woman. In the end all the staffers got up and thanked everyone and said a few closing statements. I said something along these lines: If you enjoyed this rememeber it happens outside of school. You live in NYC go out and connect to it. My english teacher seemed pleased and nodded his approval. I finished the occasion with awful "mexican" food that left me wanting to vomit. Company was good though. The colleges library has reopened. Maybe I will pass high school after all.

I emailed a really smart artist who has interesting views on loneliness and art. Every time I mention her people tells me she had her breasts surgically removed so I'll tell you that too. Heres more about her:

http://www.fluxfactory.org/who/kerry.html

i wanted this picture. itll change soon

2008-06-09T16:56:00.001-07:00

see title

I Wish I had the Chance

2008-06-09T16:15:00.000-07:00

I often scream the word Africa at inappropriate times.

My mom is a racist.

The most insulting thing you could tell me is that I don't know the game of basketball.

When I was in first grade a lot of people won the gold medal for the science fairs. I recognized it was weird for so many people to win first place and that it was done for morale. I realized I didn't win because my morale was not worth encouraging. I was the soul winner of each gold medal awarded from 2nd till 5th grade.

When I was four years old, I looked at a poster of shapes in my pre-k room and said, "those are shapes. I'm thinking about shapes. I'm thinking about thinking about shapes."

When I was 8, I road a school bus to my friends house and decided 1998 was the best year of my life.

When I was 11, I realized I was smarter than my teachers and that most of my teachers were either inexperienced or exhausted.

When I was 13, I stopped lying about what I do and how I feel.

I've known myself for to long. I've become vain and sub-consciously selfish. I want people to listen to me because I'm better than them. I think I'm better than you and I don't even know who you are. I'm an idiot. I need modesty. I need to stop thinking in terms of hierarchy. Everyone was the same because of original potential, now we are all different in arbitrary ways that have no meaning. The individual is a sick and twisted human being who relies on anger, hatred and loneliness to be happy. The individual does sick things in order to escape consciousness. I have so much control I want to vomit it up just so I don't have it anymore. Why wont I admit to myself that we are all fucked and always will be? Then at least I can just throw in the towel without guilt. I'm punishing myself everyday in this sick way. Everyone is. why? The human condition is the fear of pain and suffering. we fear pain and suffering so much we hold onto it just so that we never have to experience it in new and possibly worse forms. I need to release that fear. I hate being a human. I want to be Jesus. He got out. He's probably still not happy. I love this kid like crazy and she doesn't care. I feel like shit 90 percent of the time. College is a four year escape. I need to say I'm wrong because I'm an optimist. I'm so optimistic I'm depressed. We need to destroy the individual. I am not an individual. I am nothing. I'm a vain prick.

Words I Haven't Used In Awhile That I Thought of Today

2008-06-08T14:44:00.000-07:00

I'm sick which sucks. Maybe its just allergies, I'm also really cold. Thanks Amy King for allowing me to bitch about my sickness.

I decided to read the AOL poem, the Oregon Trail Poem and the president's speech. I want Duke to hear me read it. I want to read the whale poem but I just feel too bad even practicing it. Sorry Tao. Here's the poem if anyone is interested:

http://monkeybicycle.net/archive/Lin/poem.html

spring scale, manta ray, fossil, telegram, wires, aftermath, cuisinart, chock, flip-flop, korn, xylophone, driveway, mugger,

That wasn't that interesting, maybe I'll scrap this one.

So I'm adding something.

If someone does something important to them, then it should be important to you.

Leigh thanked me for coming to her reading. It wasn't something to be thanked for though really. It was important to her + I like hearing her read+ I like hearing Tao+ I wanted to her Amy+ I like cute, short-haired, hipster girls, so I went. I think life is really simple. People make it complicated out of boredom and a desire to be interesting. I try to keep everything simple because it is simple. Any issue or problem you face is because your relationship with yourself isn't perfect yet and you should be OK with that because life is all about perfecting that slowly. Your relationship with yourself will never be perfect. Its a fact created by limited time mostly. Its a truth, so who cares if its good or bad? It just is. The problem will either strengthen your relationship or worsen it. If you accept that life is consciousness and consciousness is learning through situations, then it should never worsen your relationship. I went on a tangent.

(check out her music myspace--Silbia Han--she's really great, link is on the side)

basically be there for anyone who needs people to support them. and they will be there for you when you need them for support. if your to cynical of human nature then, be there for anyone who is there for you. oooo revolutionary.

I think recycling is bad. its like attempting to save time. if we had 24 hours to live, everyone would be working to save the earth. recycling allows us to think we are creating more time for the scientists to work. if i turn my lights off when i leave this room, i'll buy the scientists another 38 seconds. Its as if the world is staring in a movie. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 CLICK. "whew the earth is saved." a lot of people are going to die before the earth is saved.

My friend Ryan disagrees which is cool. his argument is its a principle like vegetarianism. "if i don't eat chicken today then i done eat chicken, someone else will probably buy it, and if they don't, the chicken will be thrown out, that doesn't mean my effort was futile, or in vain, i mean maybe futile yes, but not in vain. (commas indicate him pressing enter this was on AIM).

I think his point is interesting. Its funny because I told him that about vegetarianism and know he is using it against me. My first instinct was to argue a chicken, 1 billion chickens, aren't worth the same as the earth and all of mankind, but I couldn't i don't know i just can't. At the same time perhaps it is the hypocritical nature of the vegetarian or the environmentalist and people in general. "I love the earth so much i'll do my small part" is perhaps the most bullshit ever uttered. If environmentalism was a project in school (i'm in high school forgive this metaphor) i'd get a F. Yet I "care". We all "care". Caring is really hard and disruptive to every day life. "caring" makes me a good person without disrupting my fucked up lifestyle.

I think I'm finally satisfied.

the road less taken is actually me fuckin up, you may wanna just scroll down to OH YEA I REMEMBER THE ORIGINAL POINT OF THIS POST.

2008-06-07T22:01:00.000-07:00

today was a day so thug its unrivaled. its the kinda day that when i'll talk about it it'll go like this:

me: today was mad thug.

random listener: HOW THUG WAS IT!?

me: IT WAS SO THUG THAT....

I want to end my emails with

and not

ben

i got the idea from i poem i heard today i think it was leighs poem. i bought leighs chapbook with all my money (6 bucks). ill read it monday. shamelessly: www.leighstein.blogspot.com

uhm what else?

hattie asked leigh for help beating me ahahhaha. my record is 1-0.

i stole amy kings book. she said she read my blog which surprised me. if she reads this i'll owe her money. (i'll probably end up giving her the money the next time i see her regardless).

OH YEA I REMEMBER THE ORIGINAL POINT OF THIS POST.

wait...oh no yea ok

so i dont know what to read at a school poetry reading.

should i read

1. a poem by Leigh Stein about Oregon Trail (the video game).

2. A 4 minute long poem by Tao Lin about eating whales.

3. the presidents speech in the end of EEE by Tao Lin

4. The first poem of HAPPIER by Tao about AOL friends.

5. Something from the Amy King chapbook I stole.

6. Something from the Leigh Stein chapbook I bought.

7. recommend?

hattie,

2008-06-06T08:21:00.000-07:00

Anyone reading this entry should first read the bottom unedited one which I'm not editing yet (soon) and the entry titled Ben! at www.hattiestein.blogspot.com. If thats too much reading just wait till tomorrow or something.

I will concede that I am dead wrong if you can prove/argue either of these two things.

1. You control the experiences that make up your life.

2. If you were to grow up with different experiences you could still be the same person you are today.

If you can prove those then yes people have freewill, but if you can't then i argue that people are just subject to whatever environment they grow up in and have no control over what they experience and while they can "control" how it effects them, how people deal with their emotions is directly affected by experiences in their lives.

I think your example isn't quite right. Someone who is brought up believing one thing (because of their parents lets say, a situation) and later changes their beliefs because "something happens" (a situation). Is completely effected by situations and their internalization of those situations is a skill that has been altered by situations.

ben

I need to edit this still, Im tirerd but I will soon and last time i clicked save now i didnt know how to get it back

2008-06-04T15:33:00.000-07:00

last week i felt empty. this week i feel lonely. on saturday from 9-10 pm ill feel happy.

I guess I'll do a little philosophy today.

Their is no such thing as freewill. To ask if this is good or bad or whether or not it is depressing is to take part in something meaningless and useless as it is a truth and has always been and is therefore more important than opinion. Whether or not something or one exists similar to our description of God or Fate that is in control is something I will not take up as I can neither prove or disprove much of anything let alone the idea of God. My gut says God and Fate don't exist, but what do I know?

I want to put it in simple terms first with an example.

You.

You are not perfect. You are imperfect because your experiences have been imperfect. Experiences include anything and everything. The term for "the generator of experiences" is society. Society has effected you from day 1 as society has effected your parents and all and ever experience you will ever be a part of. Societies effect on you, regardless of your desires, will therefore effect you for the rest of you life in everything you do. Therefore every choice you "make" from whether to conform or not conform, be happy or depressed (yes emotions are choices), or eat a big lunch or a big dinner, has been so heavily and completly impacted by society that you can barely call it your own. This in a way mean you have no responsabilty for your actions and on the other hand that you are totally meaningless and arbitrary and that the individual does not exist. Yet before we all go kill ourselves, if any of us even had the guts too (dont go kill yourself, you'll die soon enough why rush to it?), lets ask who made society? We did. or not us but our ancestors. But aren't we the ancestor's of our future descendants? Is there any difference between us and those 100 or 1000 years before us or after us? Just the time and the society that raised us. So now that time no longer matters but rather society's stage, we can once again "prove" individuality doesn't exist. (Individuality is bad. Its based on two principles: existing and uniqueness. Existing causes fear of death and survival of the fittest. Uniqueness causes vanity, loneliness and all forms of hatred. Thats only a brief proof.) Back to the task at hand, giving us meaningless, arbitrary life forms a reason to live. People make society to satisfy certain needs. These needs are loneliness, meaninglessness, and the fear of death. Materialism for instance comes about in order to quell these needs. The objects allow us to "define" ourselves (think of clothes), connect with a culture that defines themselves in the same fashion, and is quick and easy and do able. This is in relation to being self-satisfying, in which simply being gives you all the nutrients necessary. This leaves you with the risk of having no meaning in society, lonely and perhaps the biggest fear, dying before accomplishing such an abstract, difficult, borderline impossible concept. Other needs such as individuality lead to prejudice and the need for freedom, while the fear of loneliness leads to prime time culture of sameness. If society works to fix this issues rather than satisfy them perhaps you will be perfect. And I of course say you meaning you in 1000 years who is the same person as you are now.

(I should define how I use perfection. Perfection is the lack of any limitations including anger, confabulations and justifications and reliance on any form of materialism. I am not sure if the perfect person is prone to acts of selflessness or selfishness. I like to believe it is selflessness. The perfect person is most likely balanced in all ways and I will go no further as not all who reach perfection will be the same once getting there. They will vary in interests, in thoughts, beliefs etc. To think of perfection as self-unifying in all meanings of the phrase I feel is misleading. For instance people who have reached self-actulization the more common term for perfection(?) are certainly not all the same.)

Owl Jolson Hated School

2008-06-03T18:26:00.000-07:00

I was going to write a super angry post about my hatred for my high school but realized it wasn't worth my time. My high school disappoints in practically every way and after I graduate I'll never set a foot in the building again. My school should research the law of the soggy potato chip by psychologist Fitzhugh Dodson (his book his How to Discipline With Love).

I can't get the video to just play so I'll give you the link (lame).

www.youtube.com/watch?v=28hk97-vZdQ

This is loosely based on the story of Al Jolson who ran away from his family of Rabbis in order to become a musician.

I have more "words of wisdom" to share but tomorrow will come and with it a fresh entry.

A Doug Funnie Action Figure

2008-06-02T16:40:00.000-07:00

I found my old action figures today and tried playing with a few of them again. It went alright. I was actually better than I thought I would be. When I was younger (around 8) I was at the height of imagination. I must of had around 100 individual characters and more than 10 different "worlds" with their own unique story lines. I thought I alone had this "gift". My parents obviously didn't do it, my friends in school never mentioned any friends. Believing this is probably the cause of both my "higher level of thought" and my vanity. My family decided to get cable tv when I was 9. I saw Doug for my first time that year.

"The protagonist and title character in Doug (1991-1999). A shy daydreamer with a good heart and a love for writing and music (specifically his favorite band "the Beets"). At some point in every episode, Doug is seen writing (and dictating via voiceover) his thoughts in his personal journal. This journal is extremely important to Doug, and as learned in one episode, he would typically be offended whenever someone called it his "diary". He has several alter-egos: a superhero named Quailman, explorer Race Canyon (parody of Indiana Jones), crime-stopper the Chameleon, cowboy Durango Doug, outlaw Jack Bandit, Wafflestomper (seemingly a parody of Steven Segal) an Secret Agent Smash Adams (a parody of 007 James Bond). Doug was voiced by Billy West (1991-1994: The Series), and Tom McHugh (1996-1999: Disney's Doug)" (Wikipidea).

I realized after watching Doug that I was not alone. Imagination was shared by all and that there was a reason it wasn't a key component to everyday life. I realized this was because people somehow lost their imagination while growing up (with no understanding of puberty obviously). I swore to never lose my imagination and held onto it until age 13ish.

I worry that one day I'll lose my care and concern and ability to think and just settle into adulthood. Action figures will always reconnect me to my imagination. I hope rereading this blog one day will perhaps reawaken this new mode of thought.

Lazy Week/Whales

2008-06-01T17:03:00.001-07:00

Its the end of my senior year and I still have so much work to do. I need to figure out how to do things without motivation. Is that even possible? To not be goal orientated or happiness orientated or fear orientated but rather just blind desire orientated. Do it because part of you, even the smallest part, says too. The colleges library is closed I have no idea how to work anywhere but in that library and on a train. I am screwed if I don't figure something out by tonight. Maybe I'll cut school for a few days and just go work somewhere?

I guess I should explain whales. I had a dream awhile ago in which I was with someone (who will remain nameless, its not important regardless) in Manhattan. I'm pretty sure I was around 34th street. A humpback whale was flying, I guess gliding makes more sense, around Manhattan a little higher than street level. It had christmas lights wrapped around the bottom of its face and chin. They were mostly red. I asked my friend how it was this whale could glide, as whales swim. S/he responded that this whale had never seen the water and so adapted to its environment. Suddenly a double decker cherry bus comes forces the whale to swerve. The whale's fin rips a crack in the street and a huge gush of water shoots out of the island of Manhattan. The whale attempts to fight the current and swim but rather crashes causing more water to shoot out of the ground. Eventually the whale drowns. A tidal wave is created by the crash that hits my friend and pushes them into either a taxi or a red car, I can't remember, killing them.

Part of thinks I'm done, part of me thinks a lot needs to be explained. I describe the mental limitations of life walls. Its not that original. Walls are created out of comfort. Comfort is the lack of desire to risk damaging one's self-esteem despite any benefit that may arise out of the potential risk. Comfort is a crutch that we convince ourselves we need in order to be happy despite these comforts being the only thing holding us back. Comforts include materialism (anthing one can posses from objects to skills to love), individuality and confabulations. Why are these things comfort? Without them if we were still unhappy and unsatisfied their would be nothing to grasp onto for a distraction or anything to allow yourself to be victimized by, and so failure would be rubbing up against us and we alone would need to find the strength and willpower to change it, and what if we were to fail or discover something terrible about ourselves amist all this? I believe that when one tears down all walls they will be "perfect". If you "have torn down the walls" and are still unhappy and imperfect, maybe you are still recuperating and healing or maybe you have yet to successfully do it.

The whale does not symbolize anything, maybe me. It is living an adopted lifestyle, not a natural one. When it learns of the proper path, it drowns because it is unable to re-adapted quick enough. The tidal wave leaves its imprint of destruction on the world.

Sore and Stain

2008-05-31T11:59:00.000-07:00

My legs are dead, my shoulders are dead, my arms are dead, my knees are killing me, my chest and back are tight, my eye is all red and my foot hurts. Basketball is slowly destroying me physically. I love basketball though so I'm not all that sure what to do.

I went to Stain, its at 766 Grand street in Bushwick in Brooklyn. It was nice. I was worried after the first "poet", I feel mean putting that in "" but I'm not sure if the word poet fits. I guess everyone is a poet in some regard? He was truly awful. It picked up though and the last performance by Leigh Stein who has her own blog, was my personal favorite (and not just because she's my friend). It was her first time performing but she seemed really natural and I didn't even know until she told me. I also met Amy King who is really sweet in the sarcastic sense of the word.

There is a man at my school named Mr. Duke. He is just your average 60 year old bachelor, radical socialist, vegetarian, high school councilor. I like to think we are pretty close and that when the law stops preventing us from living like normal people we will do more together. He teaches one class; peer-counseling . One of the assignments was for everyone to write a mini-autobiography and read it in class. Someone asked asked Duke to tell his story. He was quickly cut off and asked if he had ever been in love. What did it matter if this man who cared for all of us in this sort of short-term, replaceable, industrious sense, who always reminds us of his real life and real friends and active life, had ever been in love? Duke said he had. "WHAT WAS HER NAME?""I don't remember." Of course he did, why wouldn't he proclaim her name to the heavens? Why didn't he soften at her thought? How was he so happy without her?

Dukes a good man. Leigh's a good writer.

I made my therapist cry. She's good too.

Whale Tattoo

2008-05-29T18:14:00.000-07:00

I want a tattoo of a whale on my back-right forearm (idk how to phrase its location).

I told my dad I would wait awhile and think about it because I can technically do it whenever I want to.

I walked around today with it drawn in and loved it.

Nuzzeling is a Contact Sport

2008-05-28T20:19:00.000-07:00

I'm overwhelmed by this blog. I hope that by the end of this entry I will have shown myself the stupidity of my current way and that you, the reader, will walk away thinking what a waste of time, while having a better understanding of how I think and attempt to prove and validate.

I want to write about both past thoughts and current thoughts without writing huge entries. I've written about 15 pages of proofs. I think most of them are pretty solid and I could just copy/paste them onto this blog but that feels so empty. My vanity makes me believe in the importance of the reader understanding my "life's work" in order to understand my current thoughts. This means I will need to explain every thought and experience ever cataloged as important and interesting before I can deal with my current thoughts. Yet I am a person of the now. I want to deal with what ever is currently on my mind because this blog is also a means of thinking out loud and hopefully receiving feedback and maybe connecting with others.

I've been thinking a lot about morality, individuality, meaning, loneliness, mortality/the fear of time, comfort/selfesteem, the base principles of human nature, and the "proper life".

Currently I am thinking about nuzzeling elephants, my vanity,my "short comings" as a person, my relationship with the women in my life, connecting with the art world, and becoming a writer/philosopher.

I hope to expand on these topics. Maybe I will choose one every time I blog until I feel more comfortable blogging. I dont know if I accomoplished all of my original goals but hopefully this is the first step

2008-05-22T19:00:00.001-07:00

A cherry is naturally green. A cherry is happy. Its a cherry. No nerves, no consciousness, just a cherry. Society changes a cherry so that it doesn't need to rename cherry red.

Now two people know.

2008-05-20T18:00:00.000-07:00

Her name is Paulina.

Trying this out

2008-05-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

No one knows this exists but me.